Unintentional weight loss.

This post is part of a series I'm doing culminating in a celebration at my March retreat.

Learn more about the series and journey I'm on HERE

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I'm not totally sure how coherent this one will be but it's something I've wanted to dig into for a while so we'll just see where it goes. A huge part of my healing journey over the last few months has been a physical release of weight. I'm not using the term weight loss because I don't feel like that's what it is. I know technically it is, but words matter and this feels much more like I have released years worth of gunk, both physical and emotional which has simply led to my body being smaller.

I have been a larger person most of my life. I've had some huge swings (like losing almost 100 lbs) back and forth but always seemed to carry extra fluff that just didn't feel right. I won't dig into the YEARS of work I did to get to a place of loving myself and my body regardless of size and feeling confident wearing sexy clothes and all that jazz but I did manage to get there. That's part of why I haven't owned a scale in like 10 years because I genuinely don't care what I weigh. If I feel good and can do the things I want to do, that is what matters. However, it just always felt like I was carrying more than what I should. Not in a health sense or size sense, just in a something feels stuck and heavy (figuratively speaking) sense.

When all of these health challenges popped up almost 2 years ago now with my skin that took me on a huge journey of learning my insides were not working as they should, weight was not at all a priority, although I had started noticing my pants were tighter and I was just uncomfortable in general. Through the healing process I started dropping weight pretty quick and unintentionally. I actually was moving a lot less and eating a lot more, but I was doing different movements and eating different foods. What was physically happening is I was healing my gut - fungal infections, candida overgrowth, and a myriad of other things including my liver and spleen not working right. What emotionally was happening is I was confronting a lot of stored trauma and emotions I had previously only kind of worked with. What logistically was happening is I was selling a business and totally revamping my entire lifestyle.

My physical insides were healing, my nervous system was settling as stress was eliminated and I was releasing lifelong suppressed emotions. What I am now realizing is that the extra weight I was carrying had not a single thing to do with calories in and out and exercise. While those things did matter because I was not doing the right things for my body, it just wasn't that simple. And when I say extra weight, the only thing that made it extra was because I was uncomfortable and I know my body was not at a happy place. What I felt was extra had nothing to do with some bullshit BMI number or pant size.

I am not a doctor and I know any scientist would probably tell me I am completely wrong, but I whole heartedly believe that weight has very little to do with the calories in, calories out equation. It is so much more complicated than that and I'm so sick of people claiming it's that's simple. Our bodies are extremely complex. We store emotions and trauma and that affects how we function and where many diseases comes from. We cannot keep bio-hacking ourselves down like we're some machine.

I am still big time in this release phase so I'd suspect my body will continue to adjust and I'm just letting it do what it wants to do. I don't care what size we end up at as long as I feel good, things are working as they should and I am thriving. I also want to make sure I continue to let go of the literal and figurative gunk that's been stuck inside and I don't keep holding more in. A huge lesson in all of this has been how to actually process emotions, how to listen to my body when it tells me we don't like a food or a person or an experience and how to live in harmony mind, body and soul. For so long it felt like all these parts of me were disconnected when really they were all just fighting for me to pay attention and give them love.

I know weight is a very intense topic for many people and I don't have the answers and am obviously not a medical professional and I don't know the line between body positivity, health and simply wanting to feel different in your body. What I do know is that it's different for everyone and nothing external can tell you how to feel or what to do. Do your research and talk to professionals, but TRUST YOURSELF.

And regardless of if it's weight or other health issues, don't give up on figuring it out and pursuing feeling better. I cannot even begin to list the myriad of doctors, supplements, creams, prescriptions, foods, protocols, etc I went through until I really got to the bottom of all of this. And I'm still in it. I still have flare ups and am still learning the causes and experimenting with different things but I feel like a totally different person and it was worth all of the trial and error and money I didn't have to get to this point.