this is me.

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

I am brave and terrified. I am full of joy and full of grief. I am beautiful but often feel ugly. I am strong and I am weak. I am confident and I second guess my every move. I am loved and lonely. I am simple, I am complex. I am lost and I am on my true path. I am confused with complete clarity. I am complete with a lot of missing pieces. I am sexy, sensual and feminine while being extremely strong, bold and masculine. There are oh so many boxes people have tried to put me in and I've rejected every single one. There's been a lot of sharp words from others, the sharpest have come from myself.

From what we look like, to what we do for work, to what we choose to have or not have for a family, our religious beliefs, our education, what is "normal" and what we "should" be striving for, we are bombarded with things outside of ourselves giving these directives. What if we stopped taking orders and cues from the outside and looked inside for that guidance? What if we truly tapped into our hearts, spirits and souls and went on the long journey of finding our true selves? That's what I've been doing.

To clarify, I'm nowhere near there, wherever there happens to be. I'm in the middle of what could look like an existential crisis, but I prefer to view it as a merging with my true spirit who got lost in this worldly mix of shit along the way. She's always been there. She's showed herself many times and led me through what has been an amazing life adventure thus far, but she's exhausted and she's real ready to let to go of the bazillon pounds of baggage we've been dragging along the way.

A large portion of that baggage consisted of some horrendous fear of truly being seen. Literally, like my body, but also figuratively, like my whole self. Letting people in, getting close to another soul, connecting on that deep, vulnerable level. . . not my thing. And yet, it is my thing. It's what I've always been craving but was too blocked to embrace. While I unconsciously was trying to protect myself, all I was doing was denying myself and the world around me the gift of what my spirit was sent here to do.

So that's the journey I'm on. The universe has gifted me some very unique skills and traits and I'm meant to use them. Part of what I've learned so far is I don't have to try so hard to teach. Simply being me and letting the lessons flow through is part of how I am meant to make a difference. That starts with letting myself be seen in every sense of the word. A lot of people might not need to post half naked pics of themselves to accomplish this, I do. My body and body image have been a huge part of the baggage that has affected every part of my life. Owning who I am, my shape, my size, my sensual side, and sharing that openly is kind of a metaphor for allowing the world in. I'm sharing these for me and for every person who has felt like they had to hide because of their body. I wasted so many years and so much energy focused on my weight. What a waste of brain space. It's a body. They're all different, they're all temporary, they're all just asking to be loved and accepted the way they are.

I can tell you, the minute I started to work on loving my body, it's started loving me back and life has gotten a hell of a lot more fun with my mind, body, spirit and soul all working as one. So here's some of the fun we had, prancing around in lingerie, playing with hair and makeup and just having a damn good time being free. Photos from Mod Bettie Portraits.

If you're not totally distracted by my booty and still reading, my next post will go into more detail of what this means in terms of my businesses and where I'm going with everything. Until then, follow my journey on the Instagram and say hi!

xoxo

Ali