dead people.

I know a lot of dead people. What a weird fucking thing to say. At some point I thought it was normal to have a lot of friends/family who have passed but then I talk to people about it and they're like, yeah my grandma died and that's the only funeral I've been to. I have no clue the exact number but I've been to no less than 40 funerals and I'm 38 years old. And a significant portion of those were people who meant a lot to me. And a lot of them were around my age, younger or children. You except to lose a grandparent, and even a parent at this point. You don't expect to lose a friend. You don't expect to lose a friends child. You don't expect to say goodbye to people you assumed would always be there. And I'm not special. A lot of my friends know more dead people than me. People they were close to, people they needed, people they were never going to be ready to say goodbye to.

I stand by my beliefs that there is a bigger picture, a bigger story. And those we've had to burry way too soon were called away for a reason. I don't need to understand the reason and I don't need to like it. I just need to trust that there's far more happening that I'll never understand. And really, if those folks were only meant to be here for a short while, I'm really fucking grateful that I got to be a part of their story and them a part of mine. Maybe it's weird, maybe it's morbid, but literally every day at some point I think of what would happen if I died in that moment. Maybe it's because a lot of my friends have died in moments that they never could have predicted. And maybe it's my way to make all of that make sense. Whatever it is, it's a constant thought. And a constant barometer of how I choose to live my life.

If every single one of us could wake up each morning and ask ourselves, what if this is my last day on earth, how different do you think this world would be? How happy would we all be? We'd be quitting shitty jobs. We'd be eating foods we love. We'd be telling people we love them. We'd be doing whatever it is that bring us joy. We'd be savoring EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT. I think there's a balance between this state of mind and real life where you need to plan and you need be semi-responsible but I think most of us are living way to far into the safe zone. Into the world where we live forever and there's always tomorrow and it's OK if we're miserable because maybe someday it will get better. Maybe it will, but maybe you'll be dead before you ever reach that point. We seem to assume there's always more time.

I frequently get accused of being impulsive, of living in a dream world and disregarding the future. And yeah, maybe I could do a better job of planning, but I'm too busy enjoying these moment to care. I'm going to spend the money I have on travel. I'm going to postpone paperwork to meet friends for a drink. I'm going to not give two shits about my weight and enjoy the sunshine on my skin. I'm going to invite friends over when my house is dirty and stay up too late talking with a new friend. I'm going to do whatever it is I want to do to ensure that if my time here ends tomorrow, I can confidently say I had zero regrets.

My favorite phrase is something along the lines of "if you get hit by a car tomorrow". . . . well if I get hit by a car tomorrow, I'm pretty fucking happy with the life I lived. It was hard and complicated and I wasted a lot of time on stupid shit, but I loved deeply, I experienced everything I possibly could and I never took a second of it for granted. The best way to honor my people who have passed is to live into every moment and savor this life that I'm so blessed to be living. We have to stop assuming there's always tomorrow. Figure out what matters to you and make it a priority today.